...

I was doing really good there for a while. Like... months without a REAL illness that was painful and restricting. And then of course college started and that all went to hell.

I really shouldn't be surprised. I'm always getting sick. XD Anyone who's known me for more than a month knows that much. ...So my college of choice (?) was Rider University. Actually, I wanted to go to Rutgers, but Rider had a Chinese program so I was like 'well, I'm not gonna be able to take it any other way... eh, it's just one semeser.' ...You know, I wish I could say I regret it, but there's just something about being able to make my own choices.

My mom's from the 'old world' frame of mind that siblings should follow each other to the same schools. But, I don't think that's really fair. I mean, Rutgers seemed nice, but I wanted it to be for me, not because I was forced. Actually, my mom and I have butted heads ever since I wanted to go to Notre Dame for high school when my sister went to McCorristin... now Trenton Catholic Academy. And that worked out beautifully. ...I'm feeling nostalgic, so let's take a trip~

For those of you who don't know, my sister, Gina, was the valedictorian of McCorristin the year they changed the name. Well, before that, my mom and sister thought I wanted to go there and I didn't. I knew no one at McCorristin, but half of my class was going to Notre Dame (there were 15 of us). Actually, my best friend Donald was going to Notre Dame, but I found out sophomore year that he had transfered and didn't even tell me, so I haven't talked to him since then. But I liked Notre Dame most of the time. Of course, there were times where I was tired of that place and really not looking forward to going but I was happy because I met new friends and not one of them were people that I had known before.

And then graduation came along slowly. Ya know, I almost didn't go to Prom. I really am not a party person. I can't dance to save my life and it's generally more trouble than it's worth. But, my friend Alex asked me to go with her. And while I was mildly irritated that she had basically asked me to go with her as a last resort, I decided to go anyway... aware that if I didn't my friends Cat and Vicky would probably maul me until I did... and somewhere Mally would find me and attack me. But I did have fun at prom. Well, mostly because my dancing was not quite as bad as ...certain other people, not gonna say names, who found us like Jaws and basically almost flattened Vicky. Not saying names~ But, considering that half the ballroom was an orgy (you know what I mean...) I didn't look quite so bad by comparison. I just really hope I didn't give Alex the wrong idea... I like her as a friend but there are times when i just want to smack her. I dunno... I have a good vibe for picking out when people like me. Honestly, I've just never really been the dating kind of person. Girlfriends (or boyfriends - I'm not gay, I'd consider myself bisexual, because I have never met a man I'd like to date, but who knows?) were never that important to me.

But I kept feeling more and more nostalgic as the school year closed. Okay, I hid it pretty well. Except the last day. Well, I skipped the bus so I could say goodbye to Notre Dame. It just seemed appropriate. I dunno. But I actually went to each class that I had ever been in and said goodbye to the room. Is that weird? And each time I tried to remember a really happy memory or a reall sad memory.

Such as...

- Computer B106. I remember the second day of class, they changed the room from B105 to B106 and I didn't remember so I spent one class in the wrong class.
- Gym... >>;; ...THE PIN GAME~! ..Cat'll get that one. And how it took me, Cat and Jason to catch a ball... and how we outran Jason.
- Math A201. How I thought I'd die in Ms. Lynch's class but ended up being 5th in the class
- English B206 How I thought Ms. Lang was a vampire. That class was interdis!
- Religion C103 Dr. Reither creeped me out. But I met Marjorie and Ashley and Melissa (who I later thought snubbed me from sophomore year on...)

And some other memories. Like Sra. Leigh. Mrs. McGraw's class where no one but Paige and Alex understood that terror. How Ms. Henkel was inwardly evil... Mr. Schafer and his... well, it WAS Mr. Schafer. XD How I came from being a permanent nuisance to Cat to being her friend... and to owning her soul... literally. I still have that scrap of paper!

How I almost got a detention from Sister Anne because she went crazy.

Anyway... oh! and there was the Anti-Cotillion party and how our group of friends crammed so many activities into the last three weeks than we ever had before in our four years of knowing each other. ...I always thought that made me the saddest. How in the four years we'd known each other, we didn't know each others' birthdays for the most part, how we seemed to only be friends in school and how I wished we could've been friends longer before we had to go. But no one moved away TOO far. And I doubt Alex will let us all escape easily. XD

...Oh, and that day at the beach was epic on so many levels. How we broke the law... how Jason and Kim nearly got hit by a car (our car) ...the epic smiley song. How we were really mad at them. ...How the ocean was cold and I tried to push Cat and Alex in and they nearly died or killed me. ...Oh, and that epic beach game, where we learned so many odd things about each other. Cat was a prude. We were trying to corrupt her. ...And I learned very interesting things about Ryan that might come up if he wants to be governor/president...

...

Anyway~

I hate college... I really do. I have never been so bored. I thought that in Notre Dame the worst moments of my life were spending four to eight hours there making up hours. I was wrong. Because I spend more time doing that at Rider in the cold library than going to classes. My classes aren't hard or challenging, just boring and tedious. My expository writing teacher thinks we've never written anything in our lives. For your information Strom, I've been in Honors English since Freshman year, and been in AP classes since sophomore year. I can write a three page essay in less than forty minutes and I don't need to sit there and be condescended to. >>

My spanish class, the people can't even get the difference between ser and estar. One girl came from Lithuania and slips into Russian when she can't think of an answer and can hardly speak English. My chinese class feels like Japanese class where he treats us like a baby and we haven't learned anything really except he insists on calling on us when we can't pronounce anything.

My math class is a joke. If I'd known 'Finite Math' was code for statistics I would've dropped it long ago. He refuses to look at us and it's my experience that teachers at Rider are all doctors but aren't doctors at teaching the subject to others. My sociology class is two hours of a crazy bitter man from Rutgers who insists on starting political debates.

I honestly hate it. Oh, and you-know-who is there, so she's stalking me every chance she gets. She didn't get that I hated her in high school and she's the only person I know at Rider. Plus, I used up all three of my absences without even knowing it.

The first Friday I had three panic attacks getting ready for school and decided to stay home. I seriously couldn't breathe. For people who have never had a panic attack before, it honestly feels like someone is sitting on your chest and you can't breathe. It feels like a roller coaster flying over you and you feel dizzy, faint, and like you're underwater and your mouth tries to gasp but you get nothing. So, this wednesday I was out because I was getting sick. I got caught in a freak thunderstorm on tuesday walking from sociology. Oh, and I thought I forgot a book, so I had to run back, and then I had it in my bookbag all along and so I ran BACK to the library which was air conditioned. Plus, I'm allergic to tree pollen and there are so many trees I thought I might die. So on that tuesday, they gave me a thing where it said 'you cannot be absent more than three times for classes that meet three times a week, no more than twice for classes that meet twice a week, and once for classes that meet once a week' ...so, if I miss ONE more day in the next oh... three to four months, I will either get kicked out of the class or I have to appeal it. And appeal committies hate me. So I have either strep throat, bronchitis, a sinus infection, or I might have tonsilitis because my lymph nodes are swollen like grapefruits.

Oh, and I had to reschedule my wisdom teeth pulling til the middle of December after classes are done because that would put me out for two days. Yay me. I really liked Rider at first. I thought it was the best fit for me... I mean, I get wi-fi in the library, free Rosetta Stone with all 32 languages...

But...

Lately, it just feels that there are more cons than pros at this point. I mean, I really do like the pros, but... it just feels more and more clear that Rider isn't where I belong.

So next week, I'm submitting an early transcript for transfer to Rutgers. I'm hoping to get a job at Rider to make a better application, but I'm transferring or I'll just forget college for a semester. I really don't care, but I can't do Rider for another semester. ...Unless something changes... I just can't do it.

But... I guess most of all, I'm glad that going to Rutgers is MY choice. ...I hope that Rutgers accepts me. Last time I barely scraped by because I dragged my feet. But if I do it early enough, it should be okay. ...At least... I hope. I don't want to think about what'll happen if I don't get in.

...I hate this feeling. There are no real words that can describe it. I'm angry but I'm not homicidal. I'm sad but I'm not depressed. I'm nostalgic. I'm jealous. I'm afraid. I'm excited. I'm disappointed and I'm just exhausted. I just hate this feeling. I wish it had a name. ...But I don't think words would do it justice.

So, I just have to hang in there for three more months. If I get a job, the time should pass quickly. I just wish it didn't take something like this to make me wish I'd taken Rutgers.

I guess it's no wonder I got sick huh?